I HATE Cancer!

Ok, so I go in for my 6 month mammogram and ultrasound yesterday. I get these every 6 months even though I supposedly have no breast tissue left, due to the recurrence I had. My doctor ordered the left one to be checked but the radiologist said, "what the heck, lets check the right one too since you're here."

So first swipe of the ultrasound thingy and a big blob shows up. I just about lept off the table. It looked exactly like the other two tumors. I immediately started tearing up thinking, "Oh my God, not again!" The radiologist didn't look happy either. She said "was that there before?" I said "no". She looked at the old films and sure enough, no it hadn't. I said "how big is it?" She measured and it is 7cm long. To put that in perspective, my other 2 were 2 cm. 3 times as big!

She was as nervous as I was. It's funny, these doctors all know me personally now. Even the surgical nurses at the hospital know me by name, pathetic really. Anyway, she went and checked the schedule for the afternoon to see if she could squeeze me in for a biopsy instead of make me wait until next week. Thankfully she could.

I went back at 1:30 and they got me right back. It was the usual, numb it and pull out 4-5 pieces of the tumor. She tried to aspirate it (suck out fluid) but there wasn't any, another bad sign. If there was fluid it was probably a cyst. So, I was sent on my way with a positive thought from the doctor, "you're due for some good luck, I hope it's negative." They said to call around 3pm today and they would hopefully have the results for me to bring to my oncologist tomorrow @ 10am.

Well, after all we've been through in 2 yrs, I was feeling quite the opposite. I have completely convinced myself that it's back. I've already called my surgeons and put them on alert that we'd be going back in next week and was determining what treatment I would be doing. Jason tried the "let's be positive, we don't know anything yet" routine but I said, "whatever, every time we say that it comes back Cancer!...No, it's back and here's what we'll do."

All afternoon after I left work I was having chest pains, pain in my left arm and felt like throwing up. I was having an anxiety attack. I have never felt like this before. Not even with the first two cancers. I couldn't wait any longer.

It was 3:15 so I decided to call. The nurse came on and said she had just received the path report. She read me the findings, "Benign fibrovasular adipose tissue". I said, "did you just say Benign?" She said "yes, it's not cancer". I literally started to hyperventilate and cry. Dear Lord, it's not Cancer! I would have just said thanks and hung up if she had said it was cancer because I was prepared for that. But NOT Cancer threw me for a loop. I called Jason and he did the same thing..."NOT cancer, benign?" and began to cry. Which wasn't nice of me since he was on the phone with a client...oops. Poor Will caught me right after I hung up with Jason and I was balling. He's yelling "mommy what's wrong, why are you crying?" I just told him "mommy's happy". He thinks I'm flippin' crazy when I cry because I'm happy, it's funny.

After I hung up I lost the urge to throw up and decided I needed to burn off some energy. I threw the kids in the car and went to the gym. After an hour I felt so much better and got really hungry. Jason called and wanted to go celebrate so we went to dinner with the kids.

So, I HATE Cancer. It never leaves. Just when I think I'm done with it and it doesn't enter my mind for a while, BAMM, it hits you upside the head again! It's never gone, never, never. Every ache, every pain, everything that goes wrong with my body, "is it cancer, is it back?" I try so hard not to think that way but it's days like these that bring it all back.

Love to all,
Erica