Bad weekend

Sorry I haven't written. I've had a bad few days.

I saw a new Dr. on Friday that basically wanted to re-do all of my surgery, take out my chest muscle, all my lymph nodes and all of my skin on the left side "just in case". She then went on to tell me that my situation was very bad and had me 1 foot in the grave. We left there feeling that she was a bit excessive so I called my doctors who assured me that it wasn't necessary to do all that if my scans were negative which 2 of the 3 have been. I had the third today and I won't know for a week or so on that one.

I cried quite a bit that night and over the weekend but I was feeling better knowing that we were seeing a new oncologist on Monday and I was sure that she would be positive and tell me what I wanted to hear. Wrong again. She was very very nice and very informative but she said the same things. "This shouldn't have happened, it came back too fast, we almost never see this". When I asked her what my chance of this happening again was she said 50/50. That sounded so horrible to me. She said that there's a 50% chance that the chemo & Radiation WILL take care of it and it will never come back. But, there's a 50% chance that it will come back and if it does it will be within a year just like this one and it will probably spread this time. So Jason then asks her "so is this the beginning of the end?" And she was very emphatic in saying no but I should get my "affairs" in order to take the stress off my mind!

Then I got home from this doctor and my doctor was leaving me a message to call her, which never happens. I got her on the phone and she proceeded to tell me that this cancer is "tougher" than the first one. That this one is now what they call triple-negative. It is not responsive to Estrogen, Progesterone or HER2 (hormone). It is more aggressive than E/P HER2 positive tumors and they don't have an after treatment like Tamoxifen (pill you take for 5 yrs) for triple neg cancers. The good thing is that they are more receptive to chemo so hopefully that will work in my favor this time. She also said she is changing my chemo to a much harder one since it is triple-neg now. So, I will lose my hair again and the nausea is worse with this one.

Needless to say, I have been a crying mess for 5 days now. I can't help thinking that my kids are going to watch their mommy die in a hospice bed in our house. I know that's horrible but after those visits to the new doctors, that's how I took it. The other thing that was bothering me was thinking about being in Heaven and watching over my family. I know I would be their angel but, I am afraid of watching someone else living MY life with MY husband and MY kids. Every time I hear Nathan or Will calling "mommy" I lose it and think about them calling for me if I'm not here anymore. Nathan won't understand and will still be looking for me. I worry that it will tear Jason apart.

I finally decided this evening that I'm done with the crying and I have to move on. I can't dwell on "what-if". I need to live in the now and fight back with all I have. If my third scan comes back negative I have to think it's just a fluke and it will be taken care of this time with the radiation and it won't be back.

I'm sorry for making all of you cry right now. Everyone says they can't understand what I'm thinking so I wrote it down.

*On a funny note, I had the "Mommys sick and might not always be here" talk with Will yesterday. He then went out with my friend Julie and told her "mommy's boobie is gonna die". I guess he's not ready for that yet!

Thanks for the support again!

Love,
Erica